Why write a six-word sentence when it’s more fun to use 82 words and a bunch of gobbledygook? Scott G pokes fun at the way some businesses pontificate about themselves online and off.

Have you taken a good look at the way business talks business? I’m going to use ad agency and marketing mumbo-jumbo for the following examples, but you’ll find these things in almost every industry. (NOTE: My best-guess English translations appear in parentheses.)

“Performance metrics consistently indicate an exceptional consumer-measured response to the proliferation of our creative deliverables.” (Sales are up since we started the new ads.)

“We’re assessing the overlapping matrices to measure flow conversion as an indicator of impact branding.” (Different folks like the product and use it more.)

“The creation content is designed to leverage product strengths for transformational effectiveness within the targeted marketplace parameters.” (The ads mention the benefits.)

What the Hell?
I can respond to that language in one word. “Sheesh!”

Talk about a communication breakdown. Business letters, brochures and client presentations are awash in multi-syllabic hogwash developed by MBAs who have been educated far beyond the meager capabilities of their brainpans.

Web Persiflage
Visit many ad agency Web sites and you’re verbally bludgeoned by overwrought and underthought sentences that dance around meaning in a way that makes me suspect there is no meaning.

“We will perform a gap analysis in order to assign priorities to designated objective desirables.” (We wrote ads for people who weren’t buying your stuff.)

“In progressing from the discovery phase via best-in-class engagement, the campaign materials will be achieving process effectiveness and we are establishing new and relevant benchmarks.” (As you sell more, we’ll make more ads.)

Driving Home the Point
This rant wouldn’t be complete without a few words on “driven.” As in the following time-dishonored phrases:

* impact-driven
* relationship-driven
* mission-driven
* vision-driven
* values-driven
* content-driven
* engagement-driven

Not to forget “data-driven.” As in:

* data-driven interaction
* data-driven metrics
* data-driven deliverables
* data-driven transformation
* data-driven content

One of these days, I expect to see “data-driven data.” Please, people, let’s stop this madness.

This presentation of our documented experiential collection of word proliferation hereby terminates. (Toodles.)

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About The Author / Editor:

Scott G owns G-Man Marketing (gmanmarketing.com) in Los Angeles, where he consults on marketing and sonic branding, creates cross-media advertising campaigns (print, broadcast, Net), produces radio commercials, and composes music and aural IDs for radio and TV spots. © The G-Man. (Note: The opinions expressed by The G-Man do not necessarily reflect the opinions or policies of this site or its publisher.)
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