eNewsChannels BOOK SERIAL:
“Secret Sex, A Book Alive Online,” written and lived by John Scott G.
Chapter 6: Mr. Radioactivity is Your Friend.
Bulletin: Warning! This is a test of the emergency government -to-citizen communication system. This is only a test.
Of course it’s only a test. Had this been an actual emergency, you can bet your ass I would still be sitting here typing at you.
Look, I’m sorry, but we have to tell you some disturbing news. All the editors, writers, and content optimization specialists here at eNewsChannels have been asked to pause for a moment in order to present a few technical details.
The first is an announcement that you will soon be seeing on the front of every website in the English-speaking world and America. I am certain you will want to put this on your own site so as to be in full compliance with all government regulations. We’re asking you to keep in mind that this is not our choice; we are being coerced into doing this. So here we go:
This Website Is Hereby
O F F I C I A L L Y
S A N C T I O N E D
For The Presentation Of
Text / Images / Sound
For The Purpose Of
Betterment Of Science
Approved by the
National Board of Presentational Events.
Permit No. III/14159265358979
Please don’t get all paranoid that governmental agents are monitoring what you’re reading! They are, of course, monitoring what you’re reading. Also what you’re doing, saying, writing, copying, phoning, and thinking. But that’s nothing to worry about. No, what you need to worry about is that multinational corporations are also monitoring all those things in order to figure out how to get more money out of you.
But you probably knew that. By the very act of reading this book you are demonstrating that you’re several notches above the common schlub who only reads celebrity gossip. Okay, so next, we have been asked by our government to let you know a few things about science.
Please don’t get all paranoid that governmental agents are watching what information you receive from websites! They are, of course, watching what information you receive from websites. But this is only for your protection. Since there is so much that is unknown about the universe, the government feels you need to be prepared for the cultural shock that affects the general population (see statement about “schlub” above) when some previously hidden knowledge is exposed. And we are about to expose some hidden knowledge.
Little Known Facts
For example, the government has been aware all along that there are only eight planets in our solar system. That whole Pluto thing was just a product placement arrangement with the Disney organization.
Not a big deal, really. After all, it was just like the tie-ins with Paul McCartney (the “Venus and Mars” album) and General Motors (Saturn automobiles). And now that we’re on the topic, how do you suppose Pink Floyd kept their big album on the charts for so long? I will tell you: it was all the top-of-mind awareness from their deal with big government and big science, that’s how. Just think how few units they would have moved at retail if their album had been called “Dark Side of Some Minor Orbiting Rock.”
All right, I’m glad we got those points out of the way. Yes, there will be interruptions like this from time to time, but as good citizens we are okay about it, right? Much the same way that every good citizen is happy with the people we elected to speak for us. We’re all just pleased as punch that they are all millionaires and receive fantastic amounts of money from large corporations who want to help democracy by getting those people re-elected so they can vote on laws that let large corporations make more money. That’s capitalism at its finest. And it is something we all recognize as The American Way. Right?
And Now, Back to Our Story
So we now return to the charming little city of Richland, and the bomb factory, sorry, the “facility.” Let’s look at the facility for a moment. It is thanks to the marvel called science that such a thing is possible. Of all the millions and billions and perhaps trillions of stars and planets, it is Earth alone that has been chosen to explore the wonders of nuclear energy.
Well, the Sun is doing a pretty good job with the wonders of nuclear energy. But that’s not the point. The point is that we are special. When we look past the oodles of pirouetting galaxies, the heaps of pulsating stars, the hodgepodge of planets and moons, the twirling asteroids, the glowing nebulae, the imploding black holes, we see. . .
Well, what we see is our own comfy little place we call “the Solar System.” Which is a really silly name. It’s just flat-out wrong, kind of like how we call the U.S. baseball playoff elimination event “the World Series” even though it ignores baseball in every other nation in the world. But I digress.
In every direction, there are stars bigger than our Sun and galaxies bigger than the Blanket of Diamonds or Twinkle Light Lane or Milky Way or whatever our galaxy is called. (I didn’t do that well in my science classes; just thought I’d throw that in.) We are simply a minor little blue dot that is suspended in a humongous heaven.
Things look different if you stand on the edge of the world. Like, say, in the middle of the Mojave Desert. From there, you can get an inkling of the vastness of space. Conversely, if you stand in the middle of a one-bedroom apartment in Van Nuys, you can get an inkling of the unvastness of human existence. But I digress again.
Uh, where were we? Oh, right. Vastness of Space. Stars and infinite emptiness to the left. Stars and infinite emptiness to the right. Stars and infinite emptiness straight up. We will not show you the view looking down because some of us get woozy when we do that.
As we zoom in closer to Planet Earth, we can see the shape of the continents. Rotating into view is North America, which is comprised of the United States plus a big, cold place with universal health care and the ability to leave your doors unlocked at night. Moving closer still, we see how the areas of pollution are rendered in startling detail, primarily because they are so large that focusing on them is very easy.
“Thank You, Science”
It is to science that we owe a debt of gratitude. Only through science have we been able to harness virtually unlimited power through “harnessing the atom,” as the nuclear power folks call it. And with that tremendous power, we keep our factories purring. Well, not our factories, but the ones owned by multinational corporations overseas where proud non-Americans do the work of once-proud Americans but at a fraction of the cost and without those pesky annoyances like safety and insurance and pensions.
Science gives us so much. Like power. Power to run our advertising campaigns in a few selected places, like on the ‘Net and radio and TV and billboards and movies and magazines and bus benches and mail and phones and supermarket check-out lines. Power to run our air conditioning and air purification systems, and to keep them running at all times. Which is especially important now that there is so much radioactive heat and dust in the atmosphere.
But no worries about that. As we were taught in school, Mr. Radioactivity is your friend! The finest inspection and prevention teams are constantly and diligently at work to ensure one thing:
Quality! It rules our lives. If there is one thing that you can always count on from your elected government officials it is quality and accuracay. These are the guiding principles that guide our principals. In turn, our principals guide our vice principals, who are in charge of vice. And prooffreeding. (Although, when it comes to proofing, there are some who have questioned what I like to call my cape abilities.)
The Nuclear Regularity Agency
Has Conducted a Thorough
And Completely Up-to-Date
Of This Website
And Found It To Be:
Relatively Harmless? No
Adequately Nontoxic? No.
Probably Safe for Most Adults
Unsafe (Run!)? Not yet.
Inspection No. 112358
Permit Valid through December 31, 2000
Animated Map of Nuclear Explosions on the Earth from 1945-1998
“Secret Sex, A Book Alive Online,” written and lived by John Scott G, is Copr. © 2011 by JSG, all rights reserved under U.S. and international copyright conventions. Commercial use in any form is forbidden without express written permission of the author. Originally published on eNewsChannels.com with permission. Credits: Book cover design: Phil Hatten; Author photograph: JSG.