No religion mandates this procedure, though it occurs across cultures, religions, and continents. It is performed on girls in Africa, Asia, and the Middle East. Even in the United States we are fighting this practice. FGM/C became a federal crime in the United States in 1997, but the procedure persists in some communities. The U.S. Government is working with practitioners in the health and legal community to educate groups about the negative consequences of FGM/C.

Over the years, community advocates have found that when men come to understand the physical and psychological trauma FGM/C causes, they often become effective activists for eradication, including fathers who refuse to allow their daughters to be subject to the procedure. Communities must act collectively to abandon the practice, so that girls and their families who opt out do not become social outcasts. This approach has led around 6,000 communities across Africa to abandon the practice, usually through a public declaration. Communities working together can ensure stronger, healthier futures for girls and young women.

Every government has an obligation to protect its citizens from such abuse. As we commemorate International Day of Zero Tolerance and remember those who have been harmed, we reaffirm our commitment to overturning deeply entrenched social norms and abolishing this practice. All women and girls, no matter where they are born or what culture they are raised in, deserve the opportunity to realize their potential.

Chapter 14 – Backstage Pass.

My parents liked going to the movies, so I was introduced to lots of different kinds of films when I was a kid. (Yes, this is a bit of a flashback — we’ll be doing that from time to time, but don’t worry, I’ll try to warn you.)

Film. Flicks. Cinema. It was a big part of our family outings. I loved going to the movies but some types of stories were better than others. Western movies, for example, were cool with me. On the other hand, Doris Day films were blech. Cops-and-robbers were great, but Jerry Lewis films were a blech-and-a-half. (“Genius” my ass; the French are completely nuts to even mention his name in the same paragraph as Buster Keaton. I’m just saying.)

Science-fiction and creature features were swell with me, too, especially the ones with Ray Harryhausen visual effects. It also seemed appropriate to me that so many of the sci-fi stories dealt with disasters and giant beasties that were brought about by nuclear energy.

One day, my parents took me to see a double feature and I noticed the same actor in both films.

“Hey dad, didn’t that guy get shot and die in the other story?” We were at a drive-in theater, so it was okay to talk.

“His character got killed in the other film,” said my dad. “He’s playing a different character in this film.”

A different character? What the hell is going on here? “You mean those people at the O.K. Corral were not actually shot?! What a gyp! That’s not fair! I want them dead!” Yes, I was a bit blood-thirsty back then.

My dad had to explain the concept of scripts, actors, directors, editors, and so on. I still thought it was a cheat, but I really liked the idea of “pretend,” and so there was a lot of it in my life from that point forward. Especially at school. The made-up excuses for not doing my assignments were a good example . . .

Excuse Number One: “The dog ate my homework.” Always a classic. Fun to try getting away with that one, although it was a bit more difficult for me due to the fact that we did not own a dog. But that did not stop me from using it at least once per semester. And then I could use a variation of it a month or so later, as in: “My dog, Rex, got run over by a car.” I guess that would be Excuse Number One-A. Or perhaps it should be Excuse Number K-9.

Excuse Number Two: “It was a religious holiday in my house yesterday.” Creative, don’t you think? This one wasn’t that difficult because my family attempted to get me interested in a whole bunch of religions, although fortunately only one at a time. We tried Catholicism, Judaism, Quakerism, Baptism. Meth-amphetamineism. I’m sure that several of those were made-up but the point is that it was often hard to keep track of the religiosity holidays.

Excuse Number Three: “I couldn’t do my homework because my mom had to go to the hospital.” This is a winner if there is a family member or neighbor to back up your story.

But no matter what the circumstances, it’s comforting to know that you’re not lying, you’re not cheating, and you’re not prevaricating. No, far from it. You are simply “pretending.”

And, truth be told, there actually were two occasions when Excuse Number Three was true. My mom had two miscarriages. The little sister or little brother I was supposed to have did not make it. Twice. No amount of pretending could ever change that.

Make Believe

Anyway, the whole concept of pretending is the reason that I became a drama queen. Wait, no. I mean that’s how I became a lesbian. No, wait. That’s not right, either. It was how I became a thespian. An actor.

After all, if the people in those silly movies could pretend, I could, too. So I began appearing in amateur theatricals. Skits at the Rotary Club. Summer camp acting sessions. School plays. Even church pageants. Well, that last one happened only when we belonged to a church that allowed such blatant examples of Satan’s frivolities.

In high school, there was even a whole program of acting, directing, and stagecraft to which I happily aligned myself after I noticed the attractiveness of the actresses who were involved in it. All of which meant that I spent a lot of time in and around the school auditorium.

I was in such plays as: “Everyman.” “Our Town.” “She Stoops to Conquer.” “Hamlet.” Don’t get excited by that last one; I didn’t get the lead role. I played Fortinbras, which meant that the audience had pretty much gone home by the time my character stormed onto the stage to restore order after all the carnage of Act V.

William’s Way With Words

Shakespeare began making a big impression on me. The words seemed odd at first but they turned out to be enjoyable. If you speak them out loud, they often have a fluidity that is quite pleasing. The better I got at it, the more often I was cast in Shakespearean plays. As a bonus, it soon became obvious that faking a little Shakespeare was good fun. . .

“Forsooth, canst thou see that I, merely the poorest of players, am but forlorn and indeed swimming lost upon the vastness of this stage, standing by one’s lonesomeness, in dire need of any fine line that could be but spoke aloud from within and behind the settings, a brief and humble speech that might, nay, would straighten the path of this our humble production and in no small measure aid us in the reasonable conclusion of this scene with at least some small semblance of human dignity.”

For anyone who has ever been on stage, you realize that what’s being said in that very long and convoluted sentence is: “What the hell is supposed to happen next?” It’s just a bit disguised so as to fool some of the members of the audience.

We were in a scene from “Othello” and somebody “went up” in their lines (hey, it could have been me) and now everything had come to a screeching halt because nobody knew who was supposed to say what at that moment. If the stage manager hadn’t FINALLY taken the hint I was dropping in that phony soliloquy, we’d still be there, waiting for the swordfight or the betrayal or the strangulation or whatever.

Cutting In

In my high school, the “Play Department” (love that term, BTW) often put on brief dramatic or comedic scenes for the artistic enrichment of other classes. For example, the history and English instructors allowed their students to come see us do a bowdlerized version of a Restoration comedy or a truncated script from an Elizabethan drama or a censored section of a Broadway musical.

But there was a big problem with doing plays in the middle of the school day: that damn public address system was also installed in the school auditorium and announcements would blare out at us, often in the middle of a scene. . .

“What is in thy mind, fairest Livia?”

“Oh, my lord, would my soul give me the strength to confess my heart’s desire to you.”

“You can speak freely. Tell me what is in the most tender part of you. I pray thee, speak now.”

“I will, I will, I must! It is just this — ”

“Attention, please. Third Period Nutrition break will be held thirty minutes early due to the pep rally scheduled for one o’clock. That is all.”

Kind of destroys the mood, wouldn’t you agree? And it kept happening again and again. Later on, a bunch of the actors and stagecraft crew spoke about it in calm and measured tones:

“Slime-ass crap-brain dog-sweat pig-slop announcements!”

Note: some of the words have been changed to preserve your ears and maintain a high moral tone in this project. But you see the point, which is that many of us simply did not appreciate the fucking announcements breaking into our scenes. We resolved to do something about it. Once again, it was electronics to the rescue.

Snip Snip

We knew that the wall-mounted P.A. speakers had to get their signal from somewhere. And between that “somewhere” and the speakers themselves there had to be wires. Sure enough, there was a junction box just off-stage left, out-of-sight of the audience. Opening it was as easy as removing four Philips-head screws and letting the metal cover drop onto Billy’s left foot, ruining his new sneakers and opening a gash in two of his toes.

“Damn it, that hurt!”

“Sure, that metal cover is heavy.”

“Well, be careful!”

“I was being careful. It didn’t hit my foot.”

“Up yours!”

“Okay, sorry. Look, you can do the honors of shorting out the P.A.”

“Really?” Billy sounded almost grateful that he got injured.

“Sure. Get something to cut the wires.”

Proud as a peacock, Billy took a flashlight and a pair of wire cutters from the stagecraft tool cabinet and positioned himself directly in front of the open junction box. We all held our breath as he slowly extended the cutting tool and expertly snipped the blue wire.

After the fire alarm bells finally stopped clanging and the school had returned to normal, we made our way back to the junction box and tried again. This time, he snipped the red wire.

Silence.

“Do you think that did it?”

“We won’t know until there’s an announcement.”

We stood there, listening for an announcement. All we could hear was our breathing and the echoing hush of the empty theater.

“This isn’t going to work,” I said.

“Why not?”

“If that was the right wire to cut, then we won’t hear any announcements. We could stand here listening forever. Don’t know about you, but I can’t hack that. Got a date tonight.”

This produced a certain amount of consternation. “What’ll we do?” “How we gonna know?” “I’m hungry.” “Who’s your date?” etc.

“Guys,” I said. “One of us has to be here for first period tomorrow. If you’re standing here and don’t hear the regular morning announcement, then we did it right.”

“You mean I did it right.”

“Yes, Billy. That’s what I meant.”

“Well, I don’t want to be here tomorrow morning,” Walter said. “I don’t want to miss the announcement. What if it’s one of the outlaw broadcasts?”

Wow, I thought. My little tape edits were now thought of as “outlaw.” Cool.

“Okay,” I told them, “I’ll be here tomorrow morning, on one condition.”

“What’s that?”

“I want Billy’s sister here with me.”

“Oh yeah,” said the other guys. “She’s hot.”

“Done,” Billy told me. “Wait, big sister or little sister?”

“For Christ sake, Billy, your little sister is seven. I want your big sister.”

“Right,” he said.

“Or your mother,” I said.

“Oh yeah,” said the other guys. “She’s hot.”

“Hey!” said Billy.

“Well, she is,” they said.

“But, but, that’s my mom!”

I can’t prove it, but I’m thinking that the resulting conversation was the first use of the term MILF. Eventually, everything got worked out. What? Oh, no, he got his big sister to show up, not his mom. I wouldn’t meet her until much later, after we nearly cut off some toes on Billy’s other foot. Purely accidental, I assure you.

• To be continued in next chapter (click link to subscribe via RSS) ….

“Secret Sex, A Book Alive Online,” written and lived by John Scott G, is Copr. © 2011-2012 by JSG, all rights reserved under U.S. and international copyright conventions. Commercial use in any form is forbidden without express written permission of the author. Originally published on eNewsChannels.com with permission. Credits: Book cover design: Phil Hatten; Author Photo: Brian Forest.

Delegates from the American business community will represent firms in a position to advance large-scale, on-grid generation and fuel supply projects. Discussions are to include specific constraints to attract private-sector investment in the power generation and fuel supply sectors.

The mission will underscore economic development as a path towards sustained prosperity and peace and highlight the U.S. initiatives in the region, such as the Partnership for Growth Initiative and the Millennium Challenge Corporation programs. Additionally, the mission provides an opportunity for U.S. power developers and fuel suppliers to promote new energy infrastructure projects. The U.S. government is committed to assist and facilitate trade and investment through its existing programs and advocacy both in the United States and through its embassies abroad.

Learn more about the activities of the Bureau of African Affairs at the Department of State at: http://www.state.gov/p/af/index.htm .

Begin Text: We, Secretary of State Hillary Rodham Clinton of the United States of America and Minister for Foreign Affairs K. Shanmugam of the Republic of Singapore, met today to review the array of close bilateral, regional and global engagement between the two countries. We introduced new mechanisms to further strengthen our partnership and cooperation for the benefit of the Asia-Pacific region.

Our governments and peoples share a long standing interest in maintaining peace, prosperity, and stability in the region, expanding the benefits of freer and more open trade, promoting security, protecting diversity and respecting the rule of law. The United States and Singapore have long sought and found common ground and cooperation when examining issues facing the Asia-Pacific region.

As we look to the challenges of the 21st century, our shared democratic values and common interests will continue to guide our collective efforts. The United States-Singapore strategic partnership will be rooted in enhanced political and economic dialogue aimed at meaningful cooperation in the Asia-Pacific region. Our governments launched an annual Strategic Partnership Dialogue with the next dialogue to occur in Singapore in 2013. We look forward to continued cooperation on economic, political and military, environment, security, education and cultural exchanges that benefit our countries, the Asia-Pacific region and globally.

Our ongoing, senior and working-level dialogues strive to develop solutions to challenges such as non-proliferation, counterterrorism, maritime security, transnational crime, connectivity and economic integration, energy and disaster response management. This cooperation will be in support of regional institutions including the East Asia Summit, Association of Southeast Asian Nations (ASEAN), ASEAN Regional Forum (ARF), Asia-Pacific Economic Cooperation (APEC) and other regional organizations and initiatives.

We are intensifying our work to encourage increased people-to-people ties between the United States and Singapore, encouraging innovation and promoting commercial and trade relationships inclusive of the broad diversity of our nations with focus on women, youth and future leaders.

In all of these areas and the new ones, we will jointly explore solutions to emerging 21st century challenges, and rely on our shared beliefs and aspirations when applying dynamic and practical solutions.

The event, scheduled for Friday, February 3 from 9:00 a.m. – 5:00 p.m. and Saturday, February 4 from 9:00 a.m. – 4:00 p.m. will be held in the Jack Morton Auditorium, Media and Public Affairs Building, George Washington University, 805 21st Street, NW, Washington, DC 20052. The event’s first day will feature social media and data analysis experts, both government and non-government, assembled from throughout the United States. The second day will be an all-day “unconference,” where participants will collaborate to determine the agenda and be able to guide the discussions themselves, based on the interests and expertise of the crowd.

Participants and conference leaders include representatives from the U.S. government, commercial data analysis and social media companies, international agencies, non-profit organizations, and academic institutions. A conference event schedule and speaker biographies can be found at http://tech.state.gov/profiles/blogs/tech-state-real-time-awareness-agenda. Registration is free, open to the general public, and can be accessed through http://techatstate_real-time_day1.eventbrite.com for Day 1 of the conference and through http://techatstate_real-time-awareness_unconference.eventbrite.com for Day 2 – the unconference. The event will be streamed live online at http://www.livestream.com/techstate. Participants can also follow the conference on Twitter via hashtag #TechAtState and through @eDipAtState, @StateDept, and @TechAtState.

Rio+2.0 will explore ways we can apply existing and cutting edge connection technologies, including the web, SMS and mobile phones, to advance sustainable development in the fields of health, the environment, agriculture and sustainable economic growth. Panel sessions will examine the innovation culture, and the role of governments and civil society, in fostering innovation. As the source of many of the technologies and new ideas that have powered Silicon Valley for decades, Stanford is an ideal environment in which to explore innovations that will drive sustainable development.

Department of State speakers at Rio+2.0 include Under Secretary for Economic Growth, Energy and the Environment Robert D. Hormats, Assistant Secretary for Oceans and International Environmental and Scientific Affairs Kerri-Ann Jones, and Senior Advisor for Innovation Alec Ross. Other U.S. Government speakers include Environmental Protection Agency Administrator Lisa P. Jackson, Department of Agriculture Deputy Undersecretary for Research, Education and Economics Ann Bartuska, USAID Counselor for Innovation Maura O’Neill, and Chair of the White House Council on Environmental Quality Nancy Sutley. The conference also features Google’s Chief Technology Advocate Michael Jones and numerous other leaders in policy, academia, development and technology.

Rio+2.0 is designed to help draft innovative and results-oriented solutions to development challenges using connection technologies. The United States intends to present the outcomes of this conference at the UN Conference on Sustainable Development (Rio+20) in June.

Live streaming of many sessions will allow interested individuals worldwide to view conference proceedings.

Conference Page, Agenda, and Live Video Stream: http://csi.gsb.stanford.edu/rio20-conference.

After his return to Ireland, O’Loughlin Kennedy put his can-do attitude to work when he founded AfricaConcern in response to the famine that was then ravaging Nigeria. AfricaConcern has since become Concern Worldwide, a major international charity that raises approximately $260 million annually and employs over 3,000 people worldwide.

In partnership with fellow Fulbright alumnus Patrick Duffy, O’Loughlin Kennedy founded the award-winning company WINICabs. WINI, which stands for “When I Need It, Where I Need It,” is an automated taxi dispatch system that links taxis with customers using mobile phone technology. At the 2011 Mobile World Congress in Barcelona, Spain, WINICabs was named winner of the prestigious Aepona/Neustar Developer Challenge. It is being tested in Dublin, Ireland, before its international launch later this year.

Beyond his extensive entrepreneurial endeavors, O’Loughlin Kennedy has served as a tireless advocate for the Irish Fulbright Alumni Association since its founding in 1993. He gave his support to the newly established Ireland – United States Alumni Association by participating in early planning meetings that led to the establishment of the interim board of directors in January 2011. O’Loughlin Kennedy is an enthusiastic advocate for the new alumni association. He recently participated in a business panel discussion on the trade and investment relationship between Ireland and the United States.

Throughout February, O’Loughlin Kennedy’s leadership and dedication to affecting positive change in the world will be recognized on the State Alumni website (https://alumni.state.gov), ECA’s official website for the more than one million Department-sponsored exchange alumni worldwide. Each month, the Bureau’s Office of Alumni Affairs, which supports alumni as they build on their exchange experiences, confers the award on an outstanding alumnus or alumna.

View an interview with O’Loughlin Kennedy on the U.S. Department of State’s Bureau of Educational and Cultural Affairs’ website at http://exchanges.state.gov/alumni/alumnus.html.

You have read articles attacking the Super Bowl for a lot of different reasons: The consumerism, the commercialism, and the overall crassness. Hell, I’ve written some of those articles. You can still find them here on ENC as well as on the Music Industry Newswire and the Advertising Industry Newswire (look ‘em up, why doncha).

But today, I’d like to attack this national problem in a different way. . .

“Game Off”

A Play in 1 Act

“Honey, you know what Sunday is? The Super Bowl!”

“Yeah, big whoop. Where are you watching this year?”

“Well, uh, I thought that we’d have some of the guys over and — ”

“Nope.”

“What?”

“Not gonna happen.”

“Well, honey, it’s the Super Bowl, and we usually — ”

“Forget it.”

“Forget it? How is that even possible? It’s mentioned on every show!”

“That’s because you only watch sports shows. Believe it or not, there’s a whole world out there that doesn’t involve incredibly overpaid morons.”

“Well, yeah, but it’s the big game!”

“Oh, well, the big game. Sure. A hundred commercials and an outcome that no one will remember in a week. And have you been listening to the announcers in those things? ‘Halfwitosky needs to press the aerial advantage to counter the spread formation of the cover three or it’s downtown city.’”

“Ha! You’re right, you’re right, they’re idiots.”

“‘Clunkbody needs to work the offensive opportunity and establish a better midfield zone for his wide-in.’”

“Good one, honey! Or, how ’bout this: ‘Nobrainy should have shot the gap on the weak side backoff in order to zero out the over-coverage.’ This is fun, honey. Do another one?”

“I can do a million of them.”

“Sure. We’re having fun now, aren’t we, honey?”

“Yes, dear. We certainly are having fun now.”

“Oh c’mon, we’re sharing here. We’re sharing the fun. It’s good!”

“All right. How’s this: ‘ScmBagg moves in on the under-aged girl but then dances away with the citywide payoff.’”

“Hey, they never actually proved anything against the guy.”

“Oh, you want proven items. Fine: ‘Coachalot is caught cheating but is allowed to remain in the sport, but shhhhh, no one bring it up because it might offend the tender people of Boston.”

“Look, he paid a fine and now everything’s okay.”

“Look, Larry, the people are disreputable, the hype is overkill, the commentary is fatuous, and the whole thing is stupid. Plus, I’m not putting up with the mess. On Sunday, you have a choice: you can stay here with me and we can read or see a movie or work on finishing the bookshelves in the den. Or you can go watch the stupor bowl with some of your friends. But as for having people over here, I have two words for you: no way.”

“Hey, don’t be going there.”

“What?”

“Don’t be with the ‘No way’ thing. That’s not gonna work.”

“Really?”

“Yeah, that’s right. I mean, why do you go with the ‘No way’ thing?”

“Remember when you told me about seeing that porn clip of anal sex and I told you no way?”

“Honey, I can’t forget about it if you keep mentioning it.”

“Of course I’m going to mention it. It’s disgusting.”

“I said I was sorry. It was just a fantasy. You have fantasies. Don’t I get my fantasies?”

“No, Larry, you do not. Let me be very clear: you will never, ever, ever get that fantasy.”

“No, but if it’s just in my own mind. . . ”

“You want to keep disgusting thoughts in your mind while we’re making love?”

“No, no, it’s just — ”

“And we’re not having a Super Bowl party over here.”

“Can’t we discuss this?”

“We discussed it.”

“No, I mean a real discussion. You make your points and I make mine.”

“Ohhhh, isn’t that cute of my little snookums! Okay, dear, you go ahead and make your little points. I’m listening.”

“Now?”

“Yeah, now. As in: Now. Otherwise, it sounds to me like the discussion is over.”

“Um, okay, okay, okay. . . Look, it’s the Super Bowl. It’s, uh, it’s an American institution.”

“And we’re all so very proud of that. Our nation’s contribution to world culture.”

“Everybody watches it.”

“Not everybody.”

“Well, hundreds of millions of people watch it.”

“And you can be one of them. But not here. I’m going to have a little peace and quiet. You can go watch at the Berenson’s or the Gowers’ or the Thatcher’s.”

“Well, I kind of already invited them over.”

“Did you now? That’s very interesting. Yes, I find that very interesting.”

“Okay, now, honey, don’t take that tone.”

“And just exactly what kind of tone do you want me to take?”

“Not that one.”

“Oh? And how about this one?”

“Not that one, either. Look, cutie, I just think we should be calm about this.”

“I’m calm.”

“But we need to talk.”

“We did talk. And we came to a mutually satisfying conclusion.”

“Well — ”

“Unlike last night, where you were probably thinking about disgusting things and got distracted.”

“I’m just under a lot of pressure at work!”

“You want to talk about pressure? Try balancing the household budget when someone blows about seven hundred dollars on beer, and chips, and snacks, and pizza for a Super Bowl party.”

“The guys will help bring stuff over. . . ”

“Not to mention the two hundred dollars to clean the carpet from the spilled dip and the three hundred dollars to refinish the coffee table to get rid of the water rings, scuff marks, and beer stains.”

“I’ll ask them to be careful.”

“You’ll ask them to be careful of someone else’s furniture because they won’t be here.”

“Look, I just  ”

“And how is it that your friends can’t seem to hit the toilet when they use the bathroom?”

“Oh, for cryin’ out loud. Look, darling, this is our place, so I get a vote.”

“That’s right, sweetie. You get a vote.”

“Okay, that’s more like it.”

“So. Vote.”

“Well, all right, I’m voting for — ”

“And I’m voting against. There, you voted and I voted. And so there’s not going to be a Super Bowl party here because you didn’t win the vote. Okay, I’m glad we had this little confab here. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go get the groceries.”

“But wait, you didn’t win the vote, either. Right? I mean, you didn’t win. Wait! Right? Honey?”

CURTAIN.

Article is Copr. © 2012 by John Scott G and originally published on eNewsChannels.com – all commercial rights reserved.

Chapter 13 – Hi, School.

You may not believe it, but the powers-that-be at middle school allowed me to move on to high school. Go figure. I believe they said something like “After in-depth deliberation, it is our judgment that it will be to the reciprocal mutual advantage of all concerned parties that John Scott now move forward with the next stage of his educational pursuits.” Translation: get this guy the hell out of here.

You can probably tell that they felt I was still not living up to my potential. But I disagree. Look, if the goal was to graduate from one level of hell to another, I had achieved it! Don’t I deserve some points for that?

So it came to be that I was set loose on the grounds of William Lovelace Binkley Academy High School. I should point out that here, as well as many other places in this book, names have been changed to protect the guilty.

Opening Gambit

New school, new part of the city, new semester, new everything. Naturally, I set to work making as many female acquaintances as possible.

“Hi.”

“Uh, hi.”

“I’m John Scott.”

“Um, Barbara.”

“Nice to meet you, Barbara!”

“Sure,” she said tentatively. “You, too, I guess.”

“What do you think classes will be like here?”

Okay, that’s how you’re supposed to do it. For you guys who are taking notes, allow me to live up to my goal of being Ever-So-Helpful to you by going over that brief conversation again but this time with the Crib Notes For Success appended for your enlightenment.

The Art of Making Friends

“Hi.” (Smile when you say it. Note: make certain beforehand that you do not have any food stuck to your teeth.)

“Uh, hi.”

“I’m John Scott.” (Note 1: Use your name rather than mine; you’ll find it much more effective. Note 2: Keep smiling. Note 3: Make sure you do that “And your name is…?” tilt of the head to get her to reply. Optional move: hold out your paw for a handshake.)

“Um, Barbara.”

“Nice to meet you, Barbara!” (Always repeat her name. Everyone likes hearing their own name in a social context. Also, it helps to be genuinely pleased about meeting her, genuinely happy about knowing her name, and genuinely ecstatic about saying her name. You really need genuine sincerity. Believe me, once you learn how to fake that, you’ll be well on your way.)

“Sure,” she said tentatively. “You, too, I guess.”

“What do you think classes will be like here?” (It almost doesn’t matter what you ask at this point. Just get her to talk. Basically, you want to give the impression that you’re saying something like “Tell me all about yourself and what you feel about everything because I am absolutely positive that I’ll be fascinated.”)

Once she’s talking, nod and smile whenever it seems appropriate. Like after everything she says. Phrases you’ll want to practice include the following: “You’re right.” “That’s so true.” “Good one!” “Um-hmm!” “Yes.” “I hadn’t thought of that!” And the most important of all: “Tell me more.”

And don’t make the mistake I made that first day. Don’t rush things. You want to have a nice long conversation, or even two or three conversations, before you say something like, “Ever hear of The Game?”

She hadn’t. And she didn’t want to know, as it turned out. After striking out once too often, it occurred to me that I was approaching the wrong type of person. I needed to find the Bad Girls. And the way to do that was to be bad.

Bad, Relatively Speaking

Trouble is, I wasn’t able to do the traditional bad boy stuff. I didn’t get into fistfights. I didn’t steal cars. I didn’t even do the jerk thing by being a sports star. Hell, I barely make it onto the gymnastics team. Officially a part of the team, I was never good enough to compete in the meets and get the Letterman’s Jacket or sweater or patch or crest or whatever.

No, I had to find a different way to be bad. Forging bus passes wasn’t going to cut it and I was a little too afraid of the police department to try forging driver’s licenses. Fortunately, I discovered electronics. This turned out to be important. Here’s why. . .

Now Hear This

At the start of every school day, the entire student body was forced to sit quietly in their seats to hear the morning announcements as they were broadcast through the public address system. Poor-quality but overly-loud speakers were mounted high on the wall of every classroom. While I’ve never been incarcerated, I imagine prisons have pretty much the same sort of P.A. system as the average high school.

We thought of the announcements with mixed feelings. On the one hand, they ate up some time. That meant we had to endure a little less of First Period History or whatever class you were in. But on the other hand, they were grating and annoying and full of pops, whistles, squeals, and squawks and were perhaps the most boring five or ten minutes in the history of recorded announcements.

Wait a minute, did you say “recorded”? Yes, they recorded the daily announcements the previous afternoon. This enabled the administrative staff to come into the office a bit later each morning.

Home Hi-Fi

At the time, my dad had a hi-fi system that he had built. Which means I had access to recording equipment (which meant tape recorders back in those days) and editing tools (which meant razor blades and adhesive tape back in those days). So, all I had to do was get into the administrative offices, snatch the tape, take it home, make some edits, bring it back, and replace the tape so it was in place to be broadcast the next morning.

Grabbing the Friday afternoon recording would give me the maximum amount of time for editing prior to the Monday morning announcements. After four in the afternoon, things got fairly relaxed in the Admin Building. Any student wandering in there at that time of day just had to be a Hall Monitor or someone looking to sign up for a meeting with a Guidance Counselor. Therefore, students moving respectfully and quietly through Admin were routinely ignored. I went through there whenever I needed a new pen or some other school supplies.

No, the really tricky part would be switching the tapes first thing in the morning. There was always a lot of confusion in the Admin offices in the morning, and more than a few folks with dazed and glazed eyeballs from the night before. Still, it seemed like it might be a good idea if I could dare someone else to make the switch. It could be part of an initiation process to be in a club. Or clique. Or gang. Wait, what? No, back up, let’s avoid the gangs and stick with the cliques. The girl cliques. Which were kind of like gangs, come to think of it.

Satin Sweethearts

It became clear to me that I needed to make contact with the Satin Sweethearts. They were not a sewing society. They were not a bowling team. They were not a car club. They were bad girls. Their quadruple-dagger emblem bore an alarming resemblance to that of the Waffen-SS logo of the Third Reich.

One bright and lovely morning during Nutrition Break, I sauntered over to the leader of the Satin Sweethearts so we could have a nice, quiet, polite, and very civilized conversation.

“Bunch of pussies,” I said. As you might imagine, that got her attention.

“What did you say to me?”

“Your girls have no guts.”

“Fuck you. They’ll kick your ass.”

“Hey, don’t blame the messenger. I’m just saying. Look, you make your new members shoplift something from the mall, and I’m telling you that doesn’t take any guts. You know they do it in teams. Two girls create a distraction while one girl tucks something in her blouse or under her skirt. Big deal. I’m proposing something a bit trickier and more fun.”

“Yeah, right. Get the hell out of here. Asshole.” Pause. “Like what?”

And that’s how I was able to get the tapes in and out of the Admin offices. A different girl filched them and swapped them every time. Neat. Sweet.

Good Morning High Students

Every one of the morning announcements was supposed to be fairly straightforward, as you can imagine. And they always began the same way:

“Good morning, students. This is Principal Oafley.” Slightly nasal voice. Guy sounded constipated. “And now I’d like to turn you over to a member of your Student Participation Leadership Advisory Team. Today, it’s your Team-Worker-in-Training, Mark Schriker, who will lead us in the Pledge to the flag.”

Perceptive readers will have noticed that Student Participation Leadership Advisory Team is SPLAT and that Team-Worker-in-Training is TWIT.

After the baying opening from Oafley, it was then time for one of the dweebs on the Student Council to go into a monotonous, mindless, by rote recitation of the Pledge.

“Thank you, Principal Oafley. Please rise and face the flag. Ready, begin. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of America, and to the Republic for which it stands, one nation, under God, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all.”

“Thank you, Mark. Good job, as usual. And now I’d like to turn you over to your girl’s vice principal, Miss Fairlegson, for the rest of the morning announcements.”

And so on. As I warned you, very boring. But after my editing, the Pledge was a bit different. In fact, everything was a bit different. . .

Tape Tricks

“Good morning, high students. This is Principal Oafley. And now I’d like to turn you over to your student shoddy president, Mark Shreiker, to lead us in the sledge to the flag.”

“Thank you, Principal Oaf. Please rise and deface the flag. Ready, begin. I pledge obeisance to de flag of de untied Snakes of America, and to the Republicans for which it stands, one notion, underwhelmed, invisible, with libertines and bustiers for all.”

“Thank you, Mark. Good hand job, as usual. And now I’d like to turn you over to your girl’s vice principal. Miss Fairlegson, for the rest of the boring announcements. Actually, I’d like to turn Miss Fairlegson over and I’d like to climb Miss Fairlegson and rise up on Miss Fairlegson and go down on Miss Fairlegson and really stick Miss Fairlegson very hard and — ”

There was a very loud POP and that morning’s broadcast ended abruptly. There was nothing but static over the classroom intercom speakers. Not that anyone heard it in the gales of laughter that swept through the campus.

In addition to the fun of screwing with the Admin folks every few weeks, the Satin Sweethearts were now quite accepting of my presence. After all, once they heard what I did with the tapes, I was accepted as one of the bad girls. Wait, that’s not right. Bad boy, not bad girl. Boy.

Well, okay, there was that one time when they made me an honorary member after I passed a very special initiation during which they dressed me up in some of their party outfits. But that’s a whole different story.

What? Oh yes, I looked very hot. Thank you for asking.

• To be continued in next chapter (click link to subscribe via RSS) ….

“Secret Sex, A Book Alive Online,” written and lived by John Scott G, is Copr. © 2011-2012 by JSG, all rights reserved under U.S. and international copyright conventions. Commercial use in any form is forbidden without express written permission of the author. Originally published on eNewsChannels.com with permission. Credits: Book cover design: Phil Hatten; Author Photo: Phil Hatten.

Assistant Secretary of State for International Security and Nonproliferation Thomas M. Countryman will host the first meeting of the G8 Nonproliferation Directors Group (NPDG) on January 25, at the Department of State. The NPDG provides the opportunity for G8 representatives to consult on key issues concerning the nonproliferation of primarily nuclear – among other – weapons of mass destruction and delivery systems. The NPDG has focused on ways to strengthen the nuclear nonproliferation regime, in particular the Nuclear Nonproliferation Treaty (NPT).

U.S. Ambassador and Coordinator for Threat Reduction Programs Bonnie Jenkins will host Global Partnership members and ten additional international organizations for its first meeting January 24-25 at the Department of State. The G8 leaders launched the Global Partnership at the Kananaskis Summit in 2002 as a 10-year, $20 billion initiative that focused on projects in Russia and the former Soviet Union. Over the years, the Global Partnership has expanded to include additional regions around the world; extended the Partnership beyond 2012; and broadened its focus to include nuclear and radiological security, biosecurity, scientist engagement, and implementation of UN Security Council Resolution 1540 to combat WMD. In 2012, the 23 members of the GP will build upon this agreement and continue to pursue nonproliferation and threat reduction projects globally.

Under the leadership of Patricia Metz, Senior U.S. Coordinator for Nuclear Safety, the G8 Nuclear Safety and Security Group will support the implementation of the IAEA Action Plan for Nuclear Safety developed in response to the Fukushima accident, emphasize the importance of strong nuclear plant safety culture, and support G8 endorsement and participation in the IAEA Response and Assistance network to strengthen international emergency preparedness. The NSSG had been created at the Kananaskis Summit also in 2002 to provide technically informed strategic policy advice on the safe and secure use of nuclear energy worldwide. The NSSG will hold its first 2012 meetings March 7-8 in Washington, DC.

Learn more about the State Department’s Nonproliferation policies and the Bureau of International Security and Nonproliferation at: www.state.gov/t/isn