Scott G smiles at the dire headlines bemoaning the evidence of anabolic steroids and human growth hormones in sports; in fact, he comes out in favor of their use.

I don’t think there are enough members of professional sports using steroids and human growth hormones. All jocks should be “juicing” as far as I’m concerned. It should be mandatory in the contact sports. Those overpaid one-dimensional troglodytes should become even bigger, broader, boxier, and bulkier, I say.

Trust me; it’s going to improve the game. Speed it up and make it larger than life. Literally. Not to mention the glorious carnage that will be on display in the National Football League. As NFL players continue their use of ‘roids and HGH, we will soon be treated to the spectacle of human monsters smashing into each other the way a cue ball busts up a rack in a fast game of billiards. Oh, wait; we have that already.

Scott G, writer and composerThere is much hand-wringing over drug use in pro sports, but should anyone be surprised? One look at the humanoids on today’s pro teams and you’ve got to admit that pro wrestling is already blending with every other sport. Some people are upset, but it all seems good to me.

Sure, I realize that the precious record books will have to be separated into two categories: “au natural” and “scientifically enhanced,” but that’s a small price to pay for seeing someone throw a 140mph curveball, hit a 700-foot home run, and literally pulverize a running back to death at the twenty yard line.

Besides, where are we going to draw the line on performance enhancement? Should eyeglasses be banned? Or sunglasses with polarizing lenses? Hey, man, Babe Ruth didn’t have no stinking polarizing lenses!

How about lasik surgery to enhance eyesight? Shouldn’t that be banned? If someone can go from 20/50 vision to 20/10 vision, isn’t that an artificial performance enhancement? What would be the appropriate attitude here: “If the guy can’t see straight, that’s his problem, pal; no operations allowed.”

Let’s not overlook the now-routine surgeries on rotator cuffs, elbows, knees, hips, and on and on. No more steel or titanium pins in there, baby. If you get hurt, tough it out or retire to your car dealership business. Perhaps we should also be upset when team doctor shoots some cortisone into a player. (Aside to swimming coaches: look into having webbing surgically added between each team member’s toes.)

Come to think of it, isn’t Gatorade a performance enhancing substance? Let’s see you lobby for restricting Gatorade to the coaches’ post-game victory showers.

Now that we’re going after all artificial performance enhancers, it seems to be time to ban the use of gloves, shoulder pads, helmets, and shoes.

And what about the cheerleaders; do you suppose any enhancements have taken place there? I feel that slow and deliberate visual scrutiny needs to be paired with a hands-on approach. (Note: I am available for inspection duty.)

[tags]steroids, HGH, human growth hormone, football, baseball, sports, performance enhancement, Gatorade[/tags]