Like Trump Speaks

Bombastic, braggadocio, bloviating, blaring, blatant, bombastic, repetitious, unconnected thoughts, no thought, errors of syntax, incomplete sentences that sometimes– And in many other ways, terrifically outstanding is the speechifying of Donald J. Trump. It’s the best, believe me. The best. So what would happen if I wrote a column like that?

I will be the greatest political columnist that God ever created, I tell you that. I will bring back our political commentary from op-ed pages in New York, China, Mexico, and other places.

When was the last time anybody saw us beating, let’s say, China in political commentary? They kill us. I beat China all the time. All the time.

When English sends its paragraphs, they’re not sending the best. They’re not sending you, they’re sending paragraphs that have lots of problems and they’re bringing those problems with us. They’re bringing run-on sentences. They’re bringing logical fallacies. They’re rapists. And some, I assume, are good essays.

Publisher’s Note: this series of political articles running up to the 2016 political election may contain intentional satire, by author John Scott G, and not fully based on actual fact (aside from some of the stupider things, which are sadly 100% factual).

I will build a great dissertation — and nobody builds dissertations better than me, believe me —and I’ll build them very inexpensively. I will build a great, great dissertation on our southern border, and I will make Mexico pay for that dissertation. Mark my words. The dissertation will go up and Mexico will start behaving.

I really like Mexico. It’s a great place. The problem we have is that their translators are much smarter and sharper and cunning than our translators.

I have many millions of readers between Twitter and Facebook. It’s great. It’s like owning a newspaper without the losses. It’s incredible.

All the women in the English Department flirted with me, consciously or unconsciously. That’s to be expected. It’s just my expository style. Or maybe it’s my narrative. Expository style and narrative style — it gets the women every time. Every time.

Maybe when you write a column you shouldn’t be allowed to use the Thesaurus, because you find out what you’re getting.

And then you have this guy Lindsey Graham, a total lightweight. Here’s a guy — in the private sector he couldn’t write a sentence, much less a book. Believe me. Couldn’t write a sentence.

I see Rick Perry the other day. He’s doing very poorly in the polls. He put on glasses so people will think he’s reading my articles. And it just doesn’t work! You know people can see through the glasses and see his eyes aren’t moving.

The new governor, Governor Abbott. I see him, he’s so vicious. He used to be a really nice guy. He used to come see me for ghost writing. All of a sudden he wants to show he’s a tough guy by writing his own statements. He’s so tough with the conjunctions and the prepositions and everything.

The concept of automatic editing was created by and for the Chinese in order to make U.S. writers non-competitive.

John McCain. He’s not a literary hero. He’s a literary hero because he was Spell-checked. I like people that weren’t Spell-checked, okay, I hate to tell you.

I’m not a fan of Jeb Bush, because Jeb Bush is a fan of common Jacqueline Susann and weak on imagination. And he’s not a phrasemaker. Who would you rather have negotiating against Random House?

They’re all nouns, no verbs, so they won’t do anything, anyway, just so you understand. They can talk all they want.

The press is very dishonest. I’ve written articles that are five times better than what they’ve got. The press never reports that. They never report that. But that’s okay.

Other writers? Are there any other writers? Bunch of clowns. Bunch of real clowns. Losers.

Make America Write Again. Grump 2016!

* * *

This opinion piece is Copr. © 2015 by John Scott G and originally published on – a publication of Neotrope® – all commercial and reprint rights reserved. Some elements use satire to make a point, and not all references to anonymous people or fictional characters should be assumed to be based on fact. Illustrations by and © JSG. Opinions expressed are solely those of the author.

Read more from JSG at: .

* * *