COLUMN: Several friends asked me a question this week, and with slight variations, it went something like this: “What do you think of that blowhard Rush Limbaugh?” Although for “blowhard” they all used a different word. Donkey orifice. Rooster lollipop. Mom fornicator. My answer was always the same: I hope Rush Limbaugh is the Republican nominee for president in 2012.
Short of running a sub-cretinous syphilitic member of the Ku Klux Klan, there is no one better suited to represent the party of failed America other than the bloviating behemoth of bigotry and bile.
Limbaugh is the spokesmoron for a party that had 36 black members among its 2,380 delegates at their most recent national convention. Joanna Burgos, a spokeswoman for the GOP convention, actually bragged that 13% of their delegates were “minorities.” She said that was double the total in 1996, and “we look forward to continuing and expanding these relationships.”
This is the party of “No” (voting in lockstep against every progressive program currently before Congress). This is the party of anti-humanity (some GOP members voted against aid to victims of Hurricane Katrina). Most importantly, this is the party of Osama Bin Laden. Wait, what?
Well, what other conclusion can we reach? It was Republicans whose plans helped further a main goal of Osama Bin Laden, who said Al Qaeda was pursuing a policy of “bleeding America to the point of bankruptcy.” (Reported by CNN on November 1, 2004.) True, the spineless Democrats who were in Congress during the last eight years went along with these idiotic programs, but they all came from the so-called “right.”
With all that in mind, I hereby propose a GOP Scream Team for 2012. Lowlights of their accomplishments appear below each choice.
Rush Limbaugh – President
Putting the hippo in hypocrite, Rush is for family values (which is why he has had three divorces). Rush is against decriminalization of drugs (which is why he was addicted to OxyContin, or “hillbilly heroin,” not to mention Lorcet and Hydrocodone). Rush is for free market economics (which is why he doesn’t mind your retirement funds evaporating, your home value disintegrating, and millions of jobs disappearing).
Bobby Jindal – Vice President
Born Piyush Jindal, he changed his name to Bobby after being transfixed by a televised episode of “The Brady Bunch.” He once bragged about taking part in an exorcism that he claims purged the spirit of Satan from his college girlfriend.
Mark Foley – Secretary of State
Former Florida Representative who resigned when it was reported he had been sending sexually explicit Internet messages to underage male pages in the House. An ideal choice to showcase Republican ideals all around the globe.
Ted Stevens – Treasury
This is the guy who backed the infamous “bridge to nowhere” that would have cost taxpayers more than three hundred million dollars, so he clearly understands money. And he’s technologically savvy, having described the Internet as “a series of tubes.” That little matter of being convicted in federal court (on all seven counts, no less) shouldn’t stand in the way of such a superlative and bright public servant.
Ann Coulter – Defense
We want to scare our enemies, right? Who better to keep the world in line than a wacko bitch with a gun?
Ken Starr – Attorney General
Anyone who can waste thirty million dollars on investigating a blow job is someone the GOP would love to have in charge of our nation’s law enforcement.
John McCain – Interior
A man who has scored an impressive 0% rating two years in a row from the League of Conservation Voters is a Republican dream when it comes to preserving our natural resources. (Yes, it’s also true that his eight homes might qualify him for Housing and Urban Development.)
I could go on and on because the GOP has so many excellent candidates. Just consider Sarah Palin (Agriculture), Rupert Murdoch (Commerce), Frank Luntz (Education), Karl Rove (Veteran’s Affairs), Bernie Madoff (Council of Economic Advisors), Anthony Mozillo (Office of Management & Budget), the Octomom (Labor), and Rush Limbaugh’s physicians (Health and Human Services).
But I’ve run out of time on this column so I’m asking for your help. Here are the remaining positions that need filling:
– Housing and Urban Development
– Transportation
– Energy
– Homeland Security
– Environmental Protection Agency
– United States Trade Representative
– Ambassador to the United Nations
– White House Chief of Staff
Suggestions are flying around the office. My favorite list was entitled “Human Turds for GOP ’12” and included Phil Gramm, Elizabeth Dole, Katherine Harris, Roger Ailes, Mike Huckabee, Mitt Romney, Rudy Giuliani, Larry Craig, John Bolton, Erik Prince, Bob Murray, Roy Blunt, and Tom DeLay. A veritable plethora of choices, each exhibiting wit, taste, intelligence and moral fiber.
