Opinion: GOP Warning Labels

What if politicians in the Party of Stupid had to be labeled with the same type of warnings as household appliances? (Note to Conservatives: A sense of humor may be required for enjoyment of this article (not to mention a heart, a soul, and an I.Q. above 80).

We were moving down the aisle in the supermarket. “Look,” my companion said, “the label on this jar of peanuts has a warning to people with peanut allergies that this product contains peanuts.”

“Well,” I replied, “you could hardly expect them to put seat belt warnings or alcohol consumption warnings on there.”

Various jokes naturally followed. “Warning: Do not use toaster in swimming pool.” “Warning: Stove will be hot when in use.” “Warning: When you see fire-breathing dragons attacking giant liquid-metal robots, it’s just a movie or a video game, not real life.”

“Unless you’re very stoned.”

We grew tired of this, but then one of us mused, “What sort of warnings should be printed on Republicans?”

In addition to the all-purpose one that applies to every Republican — “Right-wing nut-jobs are harmful to America” — here are a few suggestions for warnings that should accompany some of the conservatard hordes who always want to stand up for the wealthy while making life worse for everyone else:

As a prank presidential candidate who is flirting with Fascism even more than Republicans normally do, the Trumpster needs warning signs for all public appearances. Suggested wording:
Unrecycled flush water — Unsafe for human consumption.

As one of the most blatant of the crypto-Nazi presidential candidates, the warning will have to be bi-lingual. Suggested wording:
Gefährlich für die Demokratie. (According to Google Translate, it means Dangerous to Democracy.)

The Ayn Rand “I’ve Got Mine, Screw You” Speaker of the House needs a warning on his speeches as well as his proposed legislation. Suggested wording:
Laws of mathematics do not apply.

In addition to being a vapid, vacillating little twerp, this Ken Doll of a presidential candidate needs a special warning label. Suggested wording:
Not anatomically correct.

The treasonous Senate Majority Leader is so odious that his warning announcement is longer than the others. Suggested wording:
Hazardous for use while showering, bathing, swimming, sleeping, walking, driving, reading, writing, standing, exercising, breathing…

The narcoleptic presidential candidate requires this warning:
Exposure may cause drowsiness. Do not operate machinery after use.

The philandering House Majority Leader needs the following warning:
Shin pads cannot protect any part of the body they do not cover.

The presidential candidate and Macy’s parade balloon has such an obnoxious manner that he often serves as his own warning announcement, but we still suggest:
Object in mirror is larger than it appears.

The presidential candidate with all the appeal of a broken wind-up toy, the character I call “Jebbush” should come with this notation:
Yawn, may cause… zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

Someone said he is the governor of Ohio but this has not been independently verified. Warning:
Suitable only for the perpetually puzzled.

This con man and huckster is also a RWNJ candidate who appeals to the great unwashed. Suggested warning:
Found to cause cancer in laboratory mice.

The Representative from Iowa is as infamous for his racist comments as for his stupid observations.
May be a poor judge of produce, especially cantaloupes.

After nearly tanking Hewlett-Packard and trying to destroy the lives of 30,000 of its employees, this scumbag needs several warning signs, but let’s go with a bit of Dada:
Not intended for use as a dental drill.

Accused of car theft on multiple occasions, this rightwing nutjob bloviator is a danger to residents of whatever community he’s in at the moment. Suggested wording:
Use of this product may result in brain damage and loss of eyesight.

“Time out — loss of eyesight?”

“Yeah. Have you ever seen Darrell Issa?”

“Uh, maybe not.”

“Oh you’d know. He looks like Charles Krauthammer on a bad day.”

Okay, back to our regularly scheduled column already in progress.

As a typical RWNJ douchebag, Chavitz deserves this helpful warning label:
Remove plastic wrapper before placing in microwave.

Lover of pig entrails, the phony Joni should be accompanied by this warning:
Objects in Senate more dangerous than they appear.

Utah’s token minority Representative requires this warning:
Penalties for race betrayal may apply.

We do not wish to cast aspersions on his asparagus, but everything about this mental-patient-off-his-meds should be accompanied by this warning:
Stupid is as stupid does.

As a certified racist serving as the GOP House Majority Whip, he brings his own white sheets with him wherever he goes.
Bigot is as bigot does.

And now we have come full circle to the warning that applies to every Conservative as well as the entire Republican Party:
Contains racists, homophobes, xenophobes, misogynists, plutocrats, theocrats, and neo-Fascists — product is hazardous to morality, decency, and Democracy.


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This opinion piece is Copr. © 2016 by John Scott G and originally published on – a publication of Neotrope® – all commercial and reprint rights reserved. Some elements use satire to make a point, and not all references to anonymous people or fictional characters should be assumed to be based on fact. Illustrations by and © JSG. Opinions expressed are solely those of the author.

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