eNewsChannels COLUMN: A sporting event where it doesn’t matter who wins. A sixty-minute game crammed into four hours of television programming. An exercise in organized hype. An excuse for overeating and excessive drinking. Yup, it’s Super Bowl time again. Yay! But there are battles brewing outside the game.
You have read articles attacking the Super Bowl for a lot of different reasons: The consumerism, the commercialism, and the overall crassness. Hell, I’ve written some of those articles. You can still find them here on ENC as well as on the Music Industry Newswire and the Advertising Industry Newswire (look ’em up, why doncha).
But today, I’d like to attack this national problem in a different way. . .
“Game Off”
A Play in 1 Act
“Honey, you know what Sunday is? The Super Bowl!”
“Yeah, big whoop. Where are you watching this year?”
“Well, uh, I thought that we’d have some of the guys over and — ”
“Nope.”
“What?”
“Not gonna happen.”
“Well, honey, it’s the Super Bowl, and we usually — ”
“Forget it.”
“Forget it? How is that even possible? It’s mentioned on every show!”
“That’s because you only watch sports shows. Believe it or not, there’s a whole world out there that doesn’t involve incredibly overpaid morons.”
“Well, yeah, but it’s the big game!”
“Oh, well, the big game. Sure. A hundred commercials and an outcome that no one will remember in a week. And have you been listening to the announcers in those things? ‘Halfwitosky needs to press the aerial advantage to counter the spread formation of the cover three or it’s downtown city.'”
“Ha! You’re right, you’re right, they’re idiots.”
“‘Clunkbody needs to work the offensive opportunity and establish a better midfield zone for his wide-in.'”
“Good one, honey! Or, how ’bout this: ‘Nobrainy should have shot the gap on the weak side backoff in order to zero out the over-coverage.’ This is fun, honey. Do another one?”
“I can do a million of them.”
“Sure. We’re having fun now, aren’t we, honey?”
“Yes, dear. We certainly are having fun now.”
“Oh c’mon, we’re sharing here. We’re sharing the fun. It’s good!”
“All right. How’s this: ‘ScmBagg moves in on the under-aged girl but then dances away with the citywide payoff.'”
“Hey, they never actually proved anything against the guy.”
“Oh, you want proven items. Fine: ‘Coachalot is caught cheating but is allowed to remain in the sport, but shhhhh, no one bring it up because it might offend the tender people of Boston.”
“Look, he paid a fine and now everything’s okay.”
“Look, Larry, the people are disreputable, the hype is overkill, the commentary is fatuous, and the whole thing is stupid. Plus, I’m not putting up with the mess. On Sunday, you have a choice: you can stay here with me and we can read or see a movie or work on finishing the bookshelves in the den. Or you can go watch the stupor bowl with some of your friends. But as for having people over here, I have two words for you: no way.”
“Hey, don’t be going there.”
“What?”
“Don’t be with the ‘No way’ thing. That’s not gonna work.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, that’s right. I mean, why do you go with the ‘No way’ thing?”
“Remember when you told me about seeing that porn clip of anal sex and I told you no way?”
“Honey, I can’t forget about it if you keep mentioning it.”
“Of course I’m going to mention it. It’s disgusting.”
“I said I was sorry. It was just a fantasy. You have fantasies. Don’t I get my fantasies?”
“No, Larry, you do not. Let me be very clear: you will never, ever, ever get that fantasy.”
“No, but if it’s just in my own mind. . . ”
“You want to keep disgusting thoughts in your mind while we’re making love?”
“No, no, it’s just — ”
“And we’re not having a Super Bowl party over here.”
“Can’t we discuss this?”
“We discussed it.”
“No, I mean a real discussion. You make your points and I make mine.”
“Ohhhh, isn’t that cute of my little snookums! Okay, dear, you go ahead and make your little points. I’m listening.”
“Now?”
“Yeah, now. As in: Now. Otherwise, it sounds to me like the discussion is over.”
“Um, okay, okay, okay. . . Look, it’s the Super Bowl. It’s, uh, it’s an American institution.”
“And we’re all so very proud of that. Our nation’s contribution to world culture.”
“Everybody watches it.”
“Not everybody.”
“Well, hundreds of millions of people watch it.”
“And you can be one of them. But not here. I’m going to have a little peace and quiet. You can go watch at the Berenson’s or the Gowers’ or the Thatcher’s.”
“Well, I kind of already invited them over.”
“Did you now? That’s very interesting. Yes, I find that very interesting.”
“Okay, now, honey, don’t take that tone.”
“And just exactly what kind of tone do you want me to take?”
“Not that one.”
“Oh? And how about this one?”
“Not that one, either. Look, cutie, I just think we should be calm about this.”
“I’m calm.”
“But we need to talk.”
“We did talk. And we came to a mutually satisfying conclusion.”
“Well — ”
“Unlike last night, where you were probably thinking about disgusting things and got distracted.”
“I’m just under a lot of pressure at work!”
“You want to talk about pressure? Try balancing the household budget when someone blows about seven hundred dollars on beer, and chips, and snacks, and pizza for a Super Bowl party.”
“The guys will help bring stuff over. . . ”
“Not to mention the two hundred dollars to clean the carpet from the spilled dip and the three hundred dollars to refinish the coffee table to get rid of the water rings, scuff marks, and beer stains.”
“I’ll ask them to be careful.”
“You’ll ask them to be careful of someone else’s furniture because they won’t be here.”
“Look, I just ”
“And how is it that your friends can’t seem to hit the toilet when they use the bathroom?”
“Oh, for cryin’ out loud. Look, darling, this is our place, so I get a vote.”
“That’s right, sweetie. You get a vote.”
“Okay, that’s more like it.”
“So. Vote.”
“Well, all right, I’m voting for — ”
“And I’m voting against. There, you voted and I voted. And so there’s not going to be a Super Bowl party here because you didn’t win the vote. Okay, I’m glad we had this little confab here. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go get the groceries.”
“But wait, you didn’t win the vote, either. Right? I mean, you didn’t win. Wait! Right? Honey?”
CURTAIN.
Article is Copr. © 2012 by John Scott G and originally published on eNewsChannels.com – all commercial rights reserved.
