The country was nearly bankrupt the last time America put an actor in the White House, but Scott G explores some of the reasons why voters should consider trying it again.
A hush falls over the crowd. The president of the United States steps out onto the world’s stage, strides confidently through the scathing gleam of spotlights, stares directly into the unflinching glare of video and camera lenses, and. . . muffs his lines.
* “I think we agree, the past is over.”
* “More and more of our imports come from overseas.”
* “It’s clearly a budget. It’s got a lot of numbers in it.”
* “He can’t take the high horse and then claim the low road.”
* “Put food on your family.”
* “I know the human being and the fish can coexist peacefully.”
* “They misunderestimated me.”
* “You teach a child to read, and he or her will be able to pass a literacy test.”
* “I hope the ambitious realize that they are more likely to succeed with success as opposed to failure.”
* “It was just inebriating what Midland was all about then.”
* “Is our children learning?”
Perhaps we need a president who can read. This cannot be that difficult, can it? After all, the words are right there on the Teleprompter. Some speechwriter has worked very hard to create those measured, cadenced, and finely balanced off-the-cuff remarks that Mr. Malaprop continually butchers.
The very least our leader can do is deliver the words in a way that appears presidential. He or she should sound at least as good as the guy who is broadcasting the words into the president’s earpiece.
Who’s Good at Speechifyin’?
There are certain types of people who can read lines convincingly. Actors! Plus, they’re usually striking-looking, comfortable in front of cameras, and familiar with saying things they don’t mean. You can see why the idea of an actor as president has some appeal.
Okay, the first time we tried letting an actor lead the country, it was a bit of a flop:
* Iran-contra affair
* billions in EPA Superfund and HUD dollars wasted through corruption
* Wedtech contracting scandal
* Pentagon procurement scandals
* savings-and-loan scandal, which cost taxpayers a trillion dollars
Not to mention the biggest budget deficit in the history of the known universe. (Well, until Bush Part II.)
The ham didn’t have a clue what he was doing, and it took nearly six years to bring the nation back to a balanced budget, but that B-Movie actor could say his lines like a, well, like a moderately-trained B-Movie actor.
Right Actor, Right Now
Difficult times call for difficult people. Wait, that’s not right. But you know what I mean. The trials and tribulations of the American people must be brought to an end, and I am now prepared to throw my support to the man with the experience, the personal courage, and the laid-back style that will take this country from the twenty-first century into … a little later in the twenty-first century.
I hereby announce that my endorsement for president of the United States goes to:
Bill Pullman.
Let’s take stock of all the advantages of electing Bill in ’08. True, he never worked with a monkey like Ronnie in “Bedtime for Bonzo,” but he has worked with a man-eating crocodile in “Lake Placid” and Richard Gere in “Sommersby,” proving that he can survive disasters of every size. He helped save the universe in “Spaceballs” and showed he knows how to handle unwanted aliens in “Independence Day.”
In terms of his experience in domestic and foreign affairs, he has made love to Sandra Bullock (“While You Were Sleeping”), Meg Ryan (“Sleepless in Seattle”), Nicole Kidman (“Malice”) and Linda Fiorentino (“The Last Seduction”). In addition, he pitched woo to Ellen DeGeneres (“Mr. Wrong”). Talk about having the guts to tackle insurmountable problems.
And I will go on record now as stating that his secretary of state will not be out buying overpriced shoes during the largest natural disaster in modern history.
Only one thing remains. He needs to stop his coy holdout and declare his candidacy. Are you listening, Bill? An eager nation awaits.
[tags]2008 election, Bill Pullman, presidential politics[/tags]
