GOP Christmas Gifts

Ho, ho, ho, and a very merry non-denominational celebration of Saturnalia to you! (Note: the traditional name of the giftageddon that takes place during the winter solstice has been changed to reflect the author’s self-proclaimed status as an honorary colonel in the War on Christmas.)

‘Tis the season for buying a ton of shiny stuff, wrapping all of it in the brightly-colored byproduct of pulped trees, and exchanging the parcels with people who have grudgingly done the same thing for you.

This exercise in rampant consumerism is stupid and annoying. It’s also has no point aside from assuring the growth of landfills everywhere.

That being said, there are some gift items that should be delivered because they might improve the lives of idiotic celebrities and despicable political figures. Well, truth be told, these gifts will actually do more to help all of the rest of us.

The list of human detritus and their recommended gifts is as follows:

Marco Rubio — Remedial education classes.

Bristol Palin — A package of condoms.

Ted Cruz — A new career as spokesperson for ISISIA (ISIS In America), one of the fastest-growing affiliates of the Republican Party.

Mike Huckabee — A prescription for anti-psychotic drugs.

Jeb! — A personality.

Donald Trump — A copy of “Logic for Dummies.”

Carly Fiorina — A polygraph machine.

Dick Cheney — A conscience.

William Kristol — A Magic 8 Ball.

Mitch McConnell — A defense lawyer for when he finally is put on trial for treason.

Rand Paul — Voice lessons to conquer that adolescent whine.

Trey Gowdy — A visit to a barbershop.

Darrell Issa — Plastic surgery.

Mel Gibson — Ticket to the Museum of Tolerance.

Duck Dynasty Doofuses — See Marco Rubio, above.

Tom Brady — A prescription for Zovirax.

Kevin McCarthy — A copy of “Vocabulary for Dummies” to help him in writing his autobiography, “Speakerfying for a Brightest America Shiningly on a Hillslope.”

Roger Ailes — A coffin.

Joni Ernst — Castration.

Rupert Murdoch — A human heart.

Steve Scalise — A new set of white sheets.

Sarah Palin — See Marco Rubio, above.

Paul Ryan — A copy of “Math for Dummies” and a calculator.

Steve King — A couple of cantaloupes.

Koch Brothers, Sheldon Adelson, Walton Family, Foster Friess, Paul Singer, Robert Mercer, Woody Johnson, Frank VanderSloot, Norman Braman, Ken Langone, DeVos Family — American Taliban membership cards.

Black Republicans — A copy of “Between the World and Me” by Ta-Nehisi Coates.

Female Republicans — A cup of tea, some chocolate, and a soothing voice assuring you that it’s time to stop loathing yourself.

Bill Maher — A really smokin’ good Christmahannukwanzadan.

Rep. Jason Chaffetz — A copy of Pamela Meyer’s “Liespotting.”

John Boehner — We have a lovely parting gift for you, oh orange one: the home board game version of The House of Reprehensibles. It’s a little like Monopoly but you just sit back while all the money disappears without anything happening.

Louie Gohmert — A whittling kit. (He’ll be distracted for a while as he figures out how it works; once he starts to play with it, he’ll cut himself and bleed to death.)

And so I say unto you: Merry Christmas, everybody!

VIDEO of Pamela Meyer’s TED Talk, “How to Spot a Liar” —

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This opinion piece is Copr. © 2015 by John Scott G and originally published on – a publication of Neotrope® – all commercial and reprint rights reserved. Some elements use satire to make a point, and not all references to anonymous people or fictional characters should be assumed to be based on fact. Illustrations by and © JSG. Opinions expressed are solely those of the author.

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