GOP Presidential Candidates 2016

Here at the headquarters of the Anti-Conservative Team, we were fortunate to gain an interview with two of the GOP’s behind-the-scenes operatives, men who eschew publicity because of their ties to the Koch brothers’ evil empire of anti-Americanism.

A “satirical” piece. Or is it?

These two only consented to be recorded in conversation under the condition of anonymity, so in this piece we will refer to them as Skunkbreath and Wetpalms, appellations that are much more apt than their actual names.

The subject: Possible Republican Presidential Candidates for 2016. The list:

Rand Paul

“Okay,” said Skunkbreath, “Rand has got several things going for him. First, he’s from the South, home of the most idiotic people in the country, so he’s got that solid stupidity vote that’s so vital to the GOP.”

“Well, most rightwing jerkwads come from states with a majority of knuckle-draggers,” Wetpalms pointed out.

“Yes, that’s true. But the states of the Old Confederacy are right up there with the dumbest places on earth. I’d say the South is one of the top ten of the bottom twenty places in the world.”

“Good point,” agreed Wetpalms. “Plus, Rand has got a big mailing list of true crazies that he inherited from his nutbag dad,” he said, referring to the former perennial joke candidate Ron Paul.

“And let’s not forget that both Ron and Rand have their racist bona fides locked down good and tight,” added Skunkbreath. “There’s nothing Republicans like more than a strong racist who acts all shocked and dismayed when it’s pointed out they’re racist.”

“So the rumors of Paul’s racism are true?” we asked.

“Absolutely. Baby Paul has long relied on bigots like Jack Hunter A.K.A. ‘the Southern Avenger’ — to ghostwrite books, position papers, speeches, and newspaper articles.”

“Ghostwrite, plagiarize, whatever,” Wetpalms said, shoving a pile of news clippings outlining the purloined phrases that have been appropriated “accidentally” by Rand Paul.

“Do you think the plagiarism will hurt him?” we asked.

“Naw,” they both said.

“To the average Republican retard,” Skunkbreath continued, “being called a plagiarist seems like some kind of compliment. To them it sounds ‘high fallutin’. So we’d have to say that Racist Rand is a prime contender in 2016.”

Ted Cruz

“Ted Cruz is a Joe McCarthy tribute band.”

“Probably the most repugnant person in politics today.”

“He makes that Andy Griffith movie, ‘A Face in the Crowd,’ seem prophetic.”

“A demagogue, an agitator, a bottom-feeder, and a two-faced asswipe.”

“Wow,” we said. “Tell me how you really feel.”

“I feel like using a lot of hand sanitizer whenever I’m near him, that’s what I really feel.”

“Would you say,” we asked them, “that he bears the most responsibility for the government shutdown?”

“Well, he shares the blame with all the Republicans who voted for it, but he sure was pushing for it the hardest.”

“Yeah, the American people should send him the bill for the $24,000,000,000 his fiasco cost the taxpayers.”

“The Republican Shutdown cost taxpayers 24 billion dollars?”

“Give or take a billion.”

“Wow,” we said.

“Hey, when Republicans screw up the government, they go big.”

Chris Christie

“Oh man, it wasn’t long ago that the Governor of New Jersey was the great white hope for Republicans,” Skunkbreath said.

“More like the great white whale,” Wetpalms said.

“Whatever,” Skunkbreath said. “But you know, ‘FF2016’ was going to be the in-house battle cry.”

“FF16?” we asked.

“Fat Fuck in 2016.”

“Oh,” we replied. “But he had that stomach stapling operation, so didn’t that change things?”

“Hey, he’s still fat.”

“And he’s still a fuck.”

“That’s true,” we admitted.

“And now, with his administration mired in all the traffic lane shenanigans, and his fiscal screw-ups that got his state’s financial rating downgraded –”

“Eight times.”

“Eight times, right. So now the best he can hope for is to be an ‘also-ran.'”

“More like an also-waddle.”

“You know, your comments are a bit insulting to people who are not within the physiological guidelines for –”

“Yeah, we’re really sorry.”

“Oh yeah, mea culpa.”

They cracked up.

“C’mon, it’s not about the weight. The guy’s a fat fuck!”

“Point taken.”

Mike Huckabee

“Ahh, the rightwing nutjob’s rightwing nutjob,” Wetpalms said.

“Naw, that’s Santorum,” said Skunkbreath.

“Oh c’mon, Huckabee’s a bigger jerkwad than Santorum.”

“No way. Rick is much worse.”

“We’ll have to agree to disagree.”

“Okay. Either way, Mike Huckabee is one slick con man. Look,” he said, turning to me, “if you ask around Conservative circles, you’ll find that he’s known as The Huckster.”

“Why is that?” we inquired.

“He’s got this line of so-called educational materials that really muddle up a kid’s mind. This garbage shows people riding around on dinosaurs, fracking makes water taste better, big industry makes the air cleaner, I don’t know, a whole bunch of crap for home school cretins. Thanks to the Huckster, there will be an entire generation of ninnies and half-wits coming out of evangelical households. Kids won’t even know the basics of history, biology, or any part of science. It’s really sad.”

“Yeah, it’s a load of bilgewater but it makes big bucks for the Huck.”

“And by the way…”


“He’s another GOP fat fuck!”

Jeb Bush

“Yeah, like that’s gonna happen,” Wetpalms said.

“It could, it could,” Skunkbreath insisted.

“No way. The country may not remember what a douchebag the first Bush was but they sure as hell remember how bad the second Bush was.”

“Some people still like him,” Skunkbreath said weakly.

“Hey, there are more than 4,000 families out there who know that George Bush sent their sons to their deaths for no reason other than greed for oil profits. And each of those families has friends who also know about that loss, that pain, that suffering.”

“Well, yeah, but–”

“And unless you’re a millionaire, you know the economic pain and suffering that Bush caused. The Republican Recession is still taking its toll on America. The name of Bush will be despised for at least another generation.”

“I dunno. We’re dealing with Republican voters, which means anti-Americans. These are the most obtuse bunch of dipstick, goober, meat-headed dumb clucks ever created.”

Skunkbreath just sighed. “Yeah, maybe you’re right. Okay, Jeb is still a possibility.”

Mitt Romney

“Oh jesus god, Unfit Mitt.”

“Unbelievable that anyone would consider him again.”

“You remember that ’47 percent’ speech he gave to that room full of rich assholes?”

“Who could forget?”

“What a load of manure that was.”

“Yeah, he vomited misinformation all over their putrid little souls.”

“Republicans have souls?” we asked.

“I was speaking metaphorically.”


“There were a lot of low points in that talk. Misunderstanding fiscal policy. Misunderstanding foreign affairs. Misunderstanding the way government works. Misunderstanding how his own party screws things up.”

“Yeah, but the absolute worst part was when he talked about one of his experiences with that vulture capitalist company, Bain, when he went to China and totally bought the story about the slave labor camp he was touring.”

“Romney toured a slave labor camp?”

“Yup. Here’s how Mitthead described it.” He took a folded piece of paper from his wallet.

“You carry that around with you?”

“You bet. Whenever I want a dose of Republican reality, I take this out. Here’s what that Mormon dickwad said: ‘…when I was back in my private equity days, we went to China to buy a factory there, employed about 20,000 people, and they were almost all young women between the ages of about 18 and 22 or 23. They were saving for potentially becoming married, and they worked in these huge factories, they made various small appliances, and as we were walking through this facility, seeing them work, the number of hours they worked per day, the pittance they earned, living in dormitories with little bathrooms at the end with maybe ten rooms. And the rooms, they had 12 girls per room, three bunk beds on top of each other.'”


“Yeah, but wait, it gets worse. ‘And around this factory was a fence, a huge fence with barbed wire, and guard towers. And we said, “Gosh, I can’t believe that you, you know, you keep these girls in.” They said, “No, no, no—this is to keep other people from coming in. Because people want so badly to come work in this factory that we have to keep them out, or they’ll just come in here and start working and try and get compensated. So, we—this is to keep people out.”‘

There was silence in the room for a moment. “Can you believe that dipshit?” Skunkbreath asked. “Didn’t even know enough not to believe one of the slave labor camp leaders.”

“Imagine what that fartbrain would have done in Nazi Germany.”

“He certainly would have fit right in.”


Paul Ryan

“Paul Ryan is Forest Gump come to life.”

“Ya gotta love how he pretends to have read those Ayn Rand books.”

“He probably did read them. He just doesn’t understand them.”

“Okay, yeah, that’s undoubtedly right. Y’know, the greatest public relations job in the world was the way this little twit has been presented as one of the Republican Party’s thinkers!”

“Well, to be fair, he kinda is one of the Republican Party’s ‘thinkers,’ considering the ignorance of people in the GOP. Hell, these clowns don’t even know what’s in the Constitution and they even carry copies around with them.”

“Like you said, they probably did read it, they just don’t understand it.”

“So,” we asked, “do you think it’s unfair that Paul Ryan is known as Lyin’ Ryan?”

“No, that’s fair,” said Skunkbreath. “You can’t believe anything he says.”

“Well, I’m not sure,” Wetpalms said. “I mean, is it a lying if the idiot believes his lies are true?”

John Kasich


“Governor of Ohio.”

“What’s he known for?”

“He’s a Conservative until it’s necessary to run the state, then he backed a tax on oil production.”

“So he’s pragmatic?”

“Right, and that’s, like, the kiss of death to the moron base of the GOP.”

Mike Pence


“Governor of Indiana.”

“What’s he known for?”

“When he was in the House, he helped found the tea-bagger caucus, so he appeals to the Koch cocksuckers and their boob brigade.”

“He once was a RWNJ radio bloviator who described himself as ‘Rush Limbaugh on decaf,’ so he has appeal to what you might call the moderate mouth-breathers.”

“He sounds terrible,” we said.

“But he pushes for school vouchers, so he’s liked by the people who are afraid of things like knowledge, education, science, math, English–”

“In other words, Republicans.”

“You got it! Plus, he’s strongly against women’s reproductive rights, so he’ll get a lot of votes from the numbnuts who want to keep women in their place.”

“Again, a big deal for Republicans.”

“Yup. He’s the white bread terrorist.”

“Well, more than ninety percent of Conservatives are white bread terrorists,” we pointed out.

“Tell me about it,” Skunkbreath admitted. “Which means Pence has a chance.”

Mitch Daniels


“Former governor of Indiana, now president of Perdue University.”

“Yeah, and who knew that a chicken farm has a university!”

“Ha, good one!” They high-fived.

“Look,” Skunkbreath said, “Mitch Daniels is a joke.”

“Yup. He’s a Conservative who called for a ‘truce on social issues.’ Can you imagine?! What a doofus.”

“But isn’t he anti-American worker?” we asked. “Republicans love that.”

“Sure, sure,” Wetpalms admitted. “He’s for making Indiana a ‘right to work for lower pay’ state. Even the poor GOP schlubs whose pay will suffer will vote for that. It’s one of the great mysteries of Conservatism — why do idiots undercut their own lives by voting Republican. Nobody understands it.”

“But you think he’s out of contention?”

“Absolutely. Have you ever seen Mitch Daniels speak? It’s like watching Elmer Fudd.”

“Naw, it’s worse than that. Elmer Fudd is entertaining. Mitch Daniels is as dull as watching grass grow.”

“Artificial grass, maybe.”

Marco Rubio

“Marco Rubio is attempting to achieve ‘the full Romney’ — trying to see how many times he can be for something after being against it after being for it after raising money for being against it.”

“So he’s two-faced?” we asked.

“No, no, no! He’s three- or four-faced, at least.”

“Isn’t he a tea-bagger darling?” we asked.

“First he is, then he says something pragmatic and he isn’t.”

“Right. Then he backs some dumbshit proposal and the Koch Baggers like him again,” said Skunkbreath.

“But they’re getting tired of his flip-flops,” Wetpalms added.

“Yeah, if Rubio’s going to be taken seriously by Republicans, he’s going to have to back anti-American ideas and stick with them. Otherwise, he’s Marco Polio in the presidential race.”

“Marco Polio?” we asked.

“Yeah. Dead in the water.”

Scott Walker

“Scott Walker has some very powerful connections,” Skunkbreath said. “He’s against working people so he’s got the checkbook of the Koch Brothers behind him.”

“He’s for voter suppression, so he’s a hero to Republican dweebs and cheats everywhere,” Wetpalms pointed out.

“Well, all Republicans are for voter suppression. It’s the only way they’re going to keep the party viable for a few more years.”

“So,” we asked, “he’s a possibility?”

“Unfortunately,” Skunkbreath said.

Bobby Jindal

“Okay, now you’re putting me on,” we said.

“No, the little weasel actually says he’s thinking about running,” Wetpalms replied. “Totally ridiculous.”

“Yeah, it is a bit of a longshot,” Skunkbreath admitted.

“A longshot?” said Wetpalms incredulously. “The people of the United States are not going to elect some sort of Muslim-Hindu-Shaivist-Vaishnavist whatever-the-hell convert to Christianity who claims to have taken part in an exorcism.”

“Yeah, okay,” Skunkbreath said. “You’re right: there’s no way for Bobby J.”

Sarah Palin

“Okay, now you’re putting me on,” we said.

“Well, she’s keeping most of the money her PAC has raised, money that was supposed to go for GOP candidates,” Skunkbreath pointed out. “Some say she’s saving it for a run at the nomination.”

“Yeah, but she’s using the money to buy shoes and fancy hotel rooms when she’s on the S and S tour,” said Wetpalms.

“Yeah, you’re right,” Skunkbreath admitted.

“What’s that ess and ess thing?” we asked.

“Speeches and Screeches.”

Rick Perry

“Could be a strong candidate,” Wetpalms said. “He has a powerful constituency.”

“Such as?”

“Dumbbells, screw-ups, dunderheads, nitwits — they love Rick Perry. ‘He’s one of us!’ they say.”

“Yipes,” we said.

Michele Bachmann

“Now I know you’re putting me on,” we told them. “No one would vote for someone who’s insane.”

“Except insane people,” Skunkbreath replied.

“Oh. Right. Sheesh.”


Lindsey Graham

“Ha!” said Wetpalms.

“No way,” added Skunkbreath. “This country may one day elect a queer president but it won’t be an in-the-closet queer.”

Ben Carson

There was laughter from both of them. Derisive laughter.

“So, not a viable candidate?” we asked.

Skunkbreath shook his head and explained things to me. “Look, my daddy told me something once that applies here. We were watching the news and Tim Scott appeared, the GOP-appointed Negro Senator from South Carolina. My dad shook his head and said, ‘That nigger don’t know that the burnt side of the toast gets scraped off into the garbage where it belongs. Some coons is just crazy.’ Now that kind of thing isn’t politically correct for Republicans to say in public but the gist of it is still correct for the moron base of the GOP. Ben Carson goes nowhere in the Republican prexy race.”

“But he’ll be in the debates, won’t he?” we inquired.

“Probably. The GOP loves Uncle Toms and tokens,” Wetpalms said. “Hell, they’ll put Carson and Jindal up there just for show. But they aren’t serious.”

Rick Santorum

“The original dumbass.”

“If it was up to him, no one would ever be allowed to go to school.”

“If it was up to him, no unmarried person would ever be allowed to fuck.”

“And birth control would be illegal.”

“Plus, his ‘holier than thou’ shtick is really annoying.”

“Annoying as hell.”

“So, to sum up Santorum,” we said, “his policies are bad in — literally — Biblical proportions, and his personal style is odious. Is that what you’re saying?”

“That’s it in a nutshell.”

We just looked at them. “But you’ve just described a GOP candidate who is–”

“Perfect!” they said together. “My god, you’re right! We should reach out to Santorum.”

“Right. Gotta get a PAC together for this guy. He’s stupid, he’s sanctimonious, he’s anti-education, anti-women, anti-gay, anti-youth, anti-veteran — he’s the perfect GOP candidate!”

The Wrap-Up

“One final question for you guys, okay?”


“Both of you seem very contemptuous of the base of the party that employs you,” we said to them.

“Wouldn’t you be?”

“Point taken.”


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This opinion piece is Copr. © 2015 by John Scott G and originally published on – a publication of Neotrope® – all commercial and reprint rights reserved. Illustrations by and © JSG. Opinions expressed are solely those of the author.

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